Intrepid Fiber Wizard

Linger

Tonight’s thought as I was knitting was: what if we had all the time in the world?

I was just now knitting again on a sweater that I had thought I had finished a week ago, yet when I tried it on, it was more of a shrug than a real sweater...hmmm.

I had to tink back about six rows of edging to return to the lace pattern so that I could add more inches. Some might become so frustrated with this (and I must admit in the past I probably would have as well) but tonight, I was grateful to again be knitting with glorious yarn (silk, merino and alpaca blend) in a lovely denim color, and a very intriguing lace pattern.
When I thought I had finished the sweater a week ago, I was a bit adrift, not having an ongoing project to knit on. And now, the gift returns. So fascinating.
And thus the thought , what if we had all the time in the world?

I’ve worked with a few fascinating clients this week. Two are women who have enormous things happening in their lives. Both are living with huge urgency, and yet, none of the urgency is concrete and “real” in fact, it is in their perception of their current process. And? It is very real to them. I have such compassion for the place they are in. I too have felt the urgency before and I remember well the depth of pain I was in. I meet them where they are and reflect my understanding.

perception is so much of what we live.

and today I linger. 

In fact, I notice that I have been wanting my morning coffee routine to linger another hour. 
to wait just a wee bit longer until I make dinner, as I enjoy the completion of work for my day.
and then, as the evening comes around I am wanting to stay awake longer.. sip one more glass of wine or whiskey than I normally would, while staring at the night sky in the quiet.

and then glorious sleep... oh how I would like each moment to linger on and on.

I am not wise enough to know if lingering is “right” or “helpful”. It is simply where I am. Lingering in this moment, and then the next.
Leaning in. 

 

 

I’d like to begin a Conversation.

A conversation that we might have over time; a conversation that  includes kindness, respect, opposing sides, courageous vulnerability, intelligence, and love.

 

I can see (more) clearly now as life has slowed during these last few months of COVID.

There is more time for contemplation and puttering amid the early summer flowers on my small patio.

 

We all tend to have a voice in our head with whom we carry on conversations (and no, silly beans, I am not referring to schizophrenia!). I’m speaking of the “higher self”, the “guardian angel”, “good mom” or “ good dad”, “ best friend”, “confidant”... “God” or “Gaia” or “Buddha nature” if you will. Whatever we call it doesn’t really matter. Yet the nature of the voice and its tone do matter greatly.

I remind my friends and clients that if you are going to carry on a running conversation in your head every day, the very least it must be is kind.
There is enough hatred and division in the world outside. We receive no benefit from continuing the nastiness within our own heads.

when the running commentary in our heads becomes too noisy, I believe it is important to slow down, to think less and to “be” more.

 

Recently I have been seeking the answers to what the last quarter of my life will hold. Do you ever ponder this for yourself? As the world has been shuttered in during the pandemic, the quiet grows, and thoughts slow.  I am resting in the space between the thoughts.

 

My metaphor for today relates to a sweater (Reagan by Isabelle Kramer) which I began knitting a week or so ago. It’s been very popular on Ravelry, and has been around for several years, yet it is new to me.

It begins with knitting a 32” long rectangle in simple stockinette stitch. The fancy fingers out there in blogville sometimes critique this part as boring, mundane and a brain drain, but I see it as a simple meditation. Movement of my fingers in a rhythm that does not require looking at my hands nor counting stitches. It allows my mind to wander more deeply into the daydreams.

 

As I carefully read and reread the instructions on the pattern before I began,  I could not see how this long rectangle would fit into the sweater. My brain would not translate. (You might well be chuckling here, saying that never happens to you but bear with me.... there’s a point coming).

In that moment when I simply could not create the desired three D image in my mind, I decided instead to let go of control. I returned to focus on the softness of the yarn (Opal dyed by The Woolen Rabbit) and the unique flow of colors created by the artful dyer, Kim.

 

How many things in life offer this level of carefree passage of time?

And do you allow yourself this slower rhythm?

 

Here is the metaphor I referred to earlier;  as with making this sweater, I believe that we can usually relax our white knuckle grip on the direction of our lives, and be more introspective and calm along the way. I have found that I notice more when I allow myself to be “in” the process rather than racing to the end.

 

Ghandi said “There is more to life than simply increasing its speed.”

 

I, personally, am built more for strolling, puttering, relaxing my timetable, instead of fast paced movements and frantic scanning of all around me.

Presence. Trusting the process. Following the guides you have chosen. Doing one’s best. Noticing and enjoying all the things along the way.

 

The sweater and it’s sleeves have now emerged from the needles, looking much like a shrug that was popular about ten years ago. In the morning, I will pick up stitches along the instructed edges and begin the lace portion of this project.

I love what is born of colored balls of yarn and simple needles.

Revive the Blog! (Or should I say shall I?)

Wondering how to write - edit - insert photos - and post to a blog is a daunting task for this “boomers brain”, yet here I am, taking a stab at it once again.

it’s been almost seven years since last I wrote. I wonder who is out there, who might still be reading, and who might care.

the format of life has changed so radically from when I first began this blog, and I feel like the pieces (having all been tossed ever so high in the air) are beginning to land within my reach. 

and so I begin: Writing, knitting, gardening, adoring my cat, and aging on towards eventual retirement. These are my musings.

There's been knitting and...

It's been a full an crazy couple months - 

Knitting has taken the form of "whatever is easy" :-)

I finshed the Sophia, and it's great fun to wear.

The yarn, Mahalo, was on sale and discountinued.. and I know why. It had a minimum of two knots in each small 50g skein, and it was splity.  Not much fun to work with.. and I literally threw out the leftover skeins (heaven forfend!..It's true!).

I cast on for a second one in black, with a higher quality yarn, for my daughter. and it was much better. This is a very fun easy, well written pattern. Its a light weight pullover. You can find it on Ravelry.

 

Also, I finished Chaleur. What a super pattern (if you follow it exactly as she wrote!) And I predict that I will wear this sweater often in the coming winter.

The only part that I had frustration with was the bind off for the neck.. And I'm fairly certain that it was my error, not the author's, but it was a real challenge. I ended up doing a three needle bind off, and I'm still not pleased because it shows (it's supposed to be invisble). 

It's one of those things that I finally had to set aside because it frustrated me too much, but I'm certainly going to rip and redo the final neck bind off. Otherwise I love it. 

This sweater runs really big - so measure for the hips - and I went down a size and its still huge and comfy.

I've been also knitting color affection.... ahhhh. a sweet easy easy garter stitch short row shawl. Three skeins of a similar weight yarn, and you're good to go!

 

This is knit up on a size 6 needle, and this is three skeins of fingerling weight yarn (sock yarn).One size fits all (grins). Probably the only hint I can share is to make the first and last three stitches on every row as loose as you possibly can, otherwise it will not block properly

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 I've already cast on for another of these, as a gift. No photos until after the reveal.

And in another surprise plot twist.... I got engaged! Yup   -  happy me. We'll be married in the fall.

Love affair with Chaleur

For more than a few months, I have danced with the elusive "Chaleur". 

It's a beauty of infinite mystery, a pattern filled with delight and twists beyond compare..... a journey of trust in the process (and not reading too far ahead lest it terrify you!)

Julie Hoover has created a poncho style, funnel neck pullover that literally screams comfort!

I chose Malbrigo Rios for this adventure,and we have been fast friends for many an evening now.

A deceptively simple, alluring herringbone pattern enriches every inch of this pullover

(I'm hoping that you can see the deisgn in this photo). The pattern is clear, written out row by row, in excellent detail.

Yet, one that I confess, I knit and ripped at least 20 times in order to capture it's magic initially.

Chaleur is a lady that requires 'trust' in the process. 

 

This evening's challenge was picking up the stitches under the arms,lifting carefully off the provisional cast on rows. This could possibly be an easy process, or then again, it can be one of those mind-bending-irk-you-all-evening-events). I can only recommend, a glass of red wine, a comfy easy chair, and an air of nonchalance as you begin. All will be well.

I am in the middle of picking up stitches under the first arm hole. One side went effortlessly.. pulling the thread, lifting the stitch, pulling the thread, lifting the stitch. ...Ahhh... the other side, well.... ahem.. let us just say that it went sort of like this, pull one thread in the provisional cast on yarn, then pull another place, then yet another, when finally, ahhh, it eases, and then pull three more places before you can lift one stitch........ 

the zen of picking up stitches from provisional cast ons is not lost on me. One direction effortless, smooth....... the other, tedious, irritating, grouch making for sure. Finding the path of least resistance = right method.

I'm about to begin the kitchener, closing the underarm seam..... let's all sound our Ommmmmmm..

(with a thank you nod in the direction of the fabulous Charlene Schurch, wonder-sock-teacher who taught me to kitchener! I send blessings every single time I do this stitch.)

Sock magic

There is a moment I truly love while knitting a sock.......

that magical moment when the heel appears 

I knit quickly as I can up until this point, wanting only to arrive at the place where it begins to take form.

For, up until the heel appears, it's just a clever tube - unique and beautiful of course (especially when you are knitting with amazing fabulous stupendous fiber such as this Cascade silk merino handpainted wonderous yarn!)... but it is still just a simple tube... and then, all of a sudden, you knit the flap.... and then, once the heel appears, it is magic. 

Socks are pure genius, and never cease to amaze me. Someone long ago solved the puzzle of knitting a sock to fit our feet. (no small feat.. pun intended). And we now carry on the tradition of their creativity, adding our own color and design.

 

And thus I return, from my almost year long hiatus. 

It's been a year filled with knitting - shawls, socks, sweaters, scarves, summer tops, hats, and more socks. A year of mostly portable projects as I continued to travel back east to help my family settle after my Mom's passing. There were closets to go through, letters to be written, services to attend, and finally the burial of her ashes in the family grave site on a hill looking over our beloved Keuka Lake in New York.

The knitting of a sock felt like the perfect way to re-enter blog world... I am changed yet the same. Filled with the magic of those who have gone before me, carrying on their traditions and adding my unique flare.

I have made my world quieter since my Mother's passing, slimming down on the 'to-do's' and 'hurry-hurry' and adding more of the quiet walks on the property of a friend that is perched beside a wonderful river. I've narrowed all the daily tasks, ruthlessly trimmed my facebook connections and blog reading to the point of near nothing..... all in an effort to simply be more alive and aware of this day, this moment. I've tried to pay attention to anything that creeps into my brain as a 'must-do' and seriously question if that is true. (thus you may well find that not all my photos are perfectly organized, and I most likely won't post on a regular basis, and I may show you knit things from a year ago, or I might ignore that all together....) 

I've cried and I've laughed and I've fallen very much in love again. I turned 60 this year. All in all, my world is beginning to grow and bloom once again in this spring...

and you? how have you been?

Thoughts 7. Sorrow

I had often read of you, known portions of you all my life; yet never had you been my familiar until now.

I know your scent. the chill with which you creep upon me every evening, whispering the emptiness in my ear - you lay beside me on my pillow, your weight enormous yet formless, smothering.

You've become known to me in ways I had not imagined, shading my thoughts, lingering long after your sting has occurred. You color each day, shredding many moments, masking hope, while you attempt to shove "reality" in my face.

I know you now, and will ever sense you near. You would have me believe that you are all that is.

I cannot succumb to your open arms, for if I did, I'm lost. You offer a valley with no exit, a well that is bottomless, a hurricane that has no calm eye, a scream with no silence.. rather only an echo that never ends.Over and over. I hear you. I feel you. Sorrow.

I take a swallow of your bittersweet liquid, and am tempted to bathe in it. Yet I pray loudly that this is not all.

Music brings you closer, as I sit alone in the evening.

You hover so close, whispering your lies of being forever. Your images are final and endless. Everywhere and nowhere all in a moment.

I grab onto my current moments as they pass, pulling myself out of your undertow. An iris bursting open, the purr of my cats, the hugs of family, the hand of my best friend... I hold them all as my guard against you Sorrow... and I know you linger nearby.

 

My Mother, my friend, my lantern has died this year.

February 8, 2012. 11:34 am eastern standard time.

I heard her last breath.

I saw her eyes one last time, the day before. and felt her love.

I touched her gently as I bathed away the last dust that would ever touch her skin.

I shed selfish tears, aching for her all over again, as I kissed the shell she left behind.

My Mother.

 

I know sorrow. She has become my companion in all my quiet hours.

 

Bless the woman whose void is impossible to fill. 

a thousand rose petals

a million daisies

a gallon of hope

an ocean of faith

I am fortunate to be Harriet Anne's daughter.

 

Flying by the Seat of my pants

I've been down in southern FL for almost a week now, caring for Mom and Dad. It's good to be here, in many ways, and not on the other side of the country "wishing I was here" (soft smile)

The photos here are old, as I haven't quite learned the knack to download my current ones.

I cannot recall the last time I posted any updates - but here's the rundown:  Mom finally (after a year now) obtained an accurate diagnosis, and it was discovered that she has "Normal Pressure Hydrocephalus" (water on the brain). In layman's terms, this means mostly that excess cerebral fluid built up around the brain, causing pressure and a myriad of nasty symptoms. The pic of Mom is from about 2 years ago.

They did brain surgery, and placed a shunt in to regulate the fluid levels, and she has made such a remarkable comeback, its astonishing! She can walk again (for the first time in 8 months) and is regaining her strength... She's in intensive rehab in the hospital for another ten days or so. We are so delighted and proud of her! 

Meanwhile, back t home, on the Western WA front, my computer died. totally dead. no resuscitation possible. And thus I have been without - until I got down here, and found that my Dad had gifted me with an amazing Mac notebook !!! wow! It practically flies! It's a refurbished 2009, with all the latest bells and whistles. and one day, it will decide that it wants to alow me to figure out how to use it, (and then maybe we'll have new photos!)

 In the meantime, I'm here with dad, cooking, cleaning and driving him around. It was going great until this morning when he got smashed physically with some nasty huge infection (we are suspecting kidney infection but will wait for test results on monday) It's quite alarming to watch "superman" (aka my Dad) be flattened by illness. He's like the energizer bunny who never quits. So please add his name (Donald) to the lists of prayers, and hopefully he will be up and around again soon. Thanks so much (again the photo is from two years ago)

 

I am currently knitting three different cotton tops - perfect Florida knitting. Here's the link :

Athena Tank, Sizzling Summer Top and Open Vest   *think easy, lots of garter or stockinette stitch!

The three tops I'm working on are from June 2011 Knit 'n Style .  And hopefully I can upload photos soon. I'm not sure how long I'll be here in FL this time.. but at least til the 18th of July.

I'm feeling pretty scattered across the US these days, and time will tell what kind of care my parents will need soon. Until we know, the family is staying flexible. It's good to be here. 

 

And the sun came out..

Things here have continued as before.

Although, with the added benefit of the sun finally shinning with the Pac NW. (hurrah) and thus many garden blooms.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 There is truly nothing quite so peaceful as wandering in the garden... small as it might be, it brings me joy.

 

 

My Mom continues to struggle for her health. It is an uphill battle, with a step or two forward, and then a slide back down the hill. My youngest brother and his wife will be there mid-June, and I wlll go back for most of July, then my oldest brother will be there most of August. I am so proud of my Mom and Dad for all they have done to improve her health. It is a never ending chase to follow after the doctors and their mistaken orders, and illogical medication changes, and better health care.... Blessings to all who fight this battle.

Getting old is not for sissys.

 

Thoughts 6. travelling back and forth

I was fortunate enough to take another trip to see my parents in Florida this month (thank you Dad!). I feel blessed to be able to be there and help out, yet it is so hard to leave them when I go home.

Mom is still in the Manor Care facility, working hard to improve her strength so that she may one day go home. Dad and I visited twice most days for 2-3 hours at a time, and puzzled long hours over her declining health and what the causes might be. She has continued to decline in health most days, with only an occasional "bright day".

We were able to take her out to lunch a couple of times and for a drive around Naples, yet it was exhausting for Mom, and the mystery of her mental confusion and weak muscles continued. Dad and I searched and investigated all the various medicines she has been on, and we suspect that we have found the 'culprit'.  And now Dad is working on getting her off that one medicine. Fingers crossed fervently that this is the solution for her current troubles. Diagnosis in the elderly can be truly complicated, and care facilities move slower than molasses.

While I was there, I worked on kntiting socks (the photos look much like the last time, since I am working on sock two of both sets).. and so I won't bore you with those reruns - Socks are remarkably comforting to knit.

Yet I will show you some of the lovely sights from Naples and Marco Island FL.

Banyon Trees are amazing - and long ago, they were reputed to be used as jails.

Poinciana Tree  and close up of these fabulous

'flame trees'. The leaves appear first, then totally drop off as the tree flowers, leaving it aburst with the glorious red flowers!

 

And although I did not go walking on the beach at all this trip, we did make a brief stop at the Naples Beach so that I could photograph the resident pelicans...

 what pelicans you say?? Here they are, only feet away from sun bathers.

 

 

And then I walked a little ways out in the water to get a better picture:

 

 

 

 

 

 

They didn't even move at all as I walked close. It's wonderful to see that they are so comfortable there, and that no one harms them.

 

And directly across the street from Mom and Dad's house, there is a nest of Burrowing Owls. One afternoon, we noticed that a post had fallen over (these posts have warning signs to caution people, and to protect the owls, since they are endangered.) I grabbed Dad's hammer, and my camera and set off to right the post.

Can you see the little owl yet?

It's the Dad owl, and the Mom and two babies are inside..  let's get closer...

and now, you can see him looking at me, sizing me up.

I kept talking to him in a soft voice, saying I only wanted to fix the post..

He kept looking at me, then away, but he didn't move.

I got within about 2 feet of him then, and right up to the post.

 

 

 

Here he is pretending that I am not so close, and he isn't moving at all.

that hole is their burrow.

 

And Dad told me that normally when people get this close, the Dad owl will pretend he has a broken wing, and drag himself off away from the nest, hopefully having the "predator" follow him, and leave his nest alone.

Yet, as I continued to speak to him, he remained still.

 

And it wasn't until I began to pound the broken post back into the ground that he flew up to another post to observe me.

Mind you, he is still only about 2 feet from me as I am pounding.

He's a small thing, probably about 10" tall, yet very handsome, don't you think!

And after I had replaced the broken pole, a neighbor came out and said how amazed she was that he let me close by, and that her husband had tried to fix the post earlier, and the owl had flown at him, attempting to attack him!

I love owls - and I guess that they know it :-)

 

 

 Every day, on our way from Marco Island to Naples, we would see this sign - or one like it. I tried to get a couple photos, but Dad took this one, and it came out so great I decided to use his!

I thought it was very cool, and I kept hoping to see one while I was there, yet alas, it didn't happen.

Dad says that there are only about ten left in the wild mangroves region that separates Marco Island from the rest of the towns. This sign is less than three miles from Mom and Dad's house.

 

It is a shame that their habitat has been so destroyed, yet hopefully, as people are more aware of them, they can rebuild their numbers.

 

 

 

the very last day I was there, it was around 8 am, and the sky was looking ominous. The winds picked up, and hundreds of friggett birds were floating / soaring on the winds on Mom and Dad's street.

It was like they were having a blast playing with the strong winds coming off the Gulf Coast, and they must have beckoned to all their friends to join them.

 

Here's another photo :

 

Dada and I got in the car, and headed up towards Naples, and within minutes, the sky opened up and poured rain. I mean truly came down so hard! He was driving about 20 mph, and we could barely see, even with the wipers on high.

We slowed down even more, and it took about 25 minutes to get up to the hospital where Mom is...

when we got there, it had stopped raining, and the sun came out.

Dad told me later that day, he looked in his rain gauge, and it accumulated 3 1/2 inches in that short time.

whoa...

The Gulf Coast of Florida is still a specatcularly beautiful place, and as I have flown back and forth across this huge country,   I have been contemplating moving to that area to help them out even more. I am considering Naples, (which is only 20 minutes from their home).

Working with my Dad to attempt to get Mom the best possible care has been an education in futility. The care facilities are overworked, and understaffed, and people are neglected every day - some with serious consequences. More than once, my Mom was badly neglected, and without intervention from Dad and me, it could have gotten very bad in a hurry.And, interestingly enough, the facility she is in is considered one of the very best.

The goal is to get her home. as soon as possible. Dad's health has improved tremendously (for which we are all grateful!!), yet caring for her or anyone recovering from serious injury  every day is too much for anyone. And the options of at home care at not always reliable.

Thus, with every stitch I knit, and every thought that crosses my mind, I am praying for answers to difficult questions. What would be best? Where am I meant to be? How can I not be there? and how can I leave my life here? It's all very challenging, and thus my silence in blog world. The choice appears so clear when I am there - yet when I return home, confusion sets in once again, and the inevitable questions as to whether or not I would be able to re-establish myself there professionally, and whether I would once again need two jobs to make that transition again.... too many questions.

I'm praying for certainty, and clear guidance.