Rambling thoughts on holidays

I have been pondering all day whether or not our knitting blogs are only about the joys and frustrations of knitting life. Do we shelter our international community of 'virtual friends' from the sometimes imperfect thoughts and moments in the reality of our less than perfect days? hiding the blahs of having a good "pout"?

Sometimes, I think I have. I know that others of you in my community are more openly expressive  on your blogs than I often am - yet tonight is one of those times I need to think out loud.
So if you are here for 'typical' fiberwizard stuff, you can skip ahead (there are photos at the end)  - forgive me a moment if I ramble.
For the most part I am an upbeat person; seeing the best in life as I sometimes plod, and other times leapfrog  my way through the days. Yet there are times, on "celebration" days, like today, when I wonder if these "hallmark moments" are a set up to feel bad...... to have a pity party for a few hours... to wallow in the crappy thoughts.
I did fairly well this morning - playing in my garden, pulling weeds here and there, pushing a few more flower seeds into the now clear beds. I worked until the last possible moment before I had to quickly shower and get ready for work at the store. The pace was fast and furious in the retail world of fine women's clothing today (surprisingly enough). Then the day was done, and I clocked out for home.
I suspect that it had something to do with a truly sweet parting comment from another one of the "moms" at the store.... she said "I hope you have something special going on tonight". Her smile was enormous, genuine, and completely kind. I was speechless. I nodded and pasted a soft smile on my face as I left for home.
I didn't get to see any of my family today.
Everyone is either working, or too far away from "home" right now.
Being a Mother is not a job that has a 'completion" point - you never  "go home for the day" nor "retire" from it. It lives within your heart from the very moment you give birth (or adopt) -  and you continue to live this role until the day life comes to a close. There is not a single day that passes by me, in which I do not think of, talk to, or write to my daughters. There are often days when I do all three. They are a part of me, and I of them. I am fortunate to have a very close relationship with my girls.  We love each other deeply and express it often.
And thus,  here I am on this "hallmark" type day, thinking that it's a "set up" for feeling not so perfect. Bah. Pooh. Crap. I attempt to tell myself that it is silly to feel this way, yet the truth of the matter is that I've had a couple of mini moments of 'oh crud.' I miss my daughters. I miss my own Mom. They are wonderful people, and today this country feels far too big.

Okay.
I'm certainly okay. Just feeling the blahs as they wash over me - and looking forward to the end of this particular "holiday". I'm thinking of boycotting all holidays for awhile.
Thank goodness for knitting distractions and a good book or two.

 

Thanks for listening to this vent, from one woman's heart to the others that I know. I appreciate your friendship and wish this country was smaller so I could just walk next door and have a cuppa tea.
talk to you soon.

Comments

[sprite]

I hope tomorrow the world seems smaller again.

{Teyani}

[maria]

I'm not sure if I've commented before, but I've been reading for a while now. It's introspective posts such as this one that will often get me to read a blog.

I have a mom and a stepmom (who I call Mom and is like a mom) and I didn't get to see either today. I did get to take my new puppy to a block party and hang out with a bunch of kids, though. It's not the same, but it was something to do while my boyfriend was with his mother.

Maybe you can start a new tradition, and have a little gathering for moms whose children aren't nearby!

[Jane]

Beautifully said Teyani, my friend. You know that the water is always on here, and that I'd like nothing better than to join you in a cup of tea and a good chat.

XOXO
Jane

[Dave]

I hear you. My family is all way on the other side of the country. A phone call is not the same as a hug, despite what the phone companies would like us to believe.

[Cybèle]

I'll put the kettle on and I even have chocolate biscuits if you fancy any.
When my marriage broke down, a friend who'd been through the same thing a few months before, said that you are bound to have days like this, and the best way to get through them is to accept that you'll have days like this. Allow yourself to feel crap, blah or whatever you'd like to call it. Tomorrow the world may not seem such a bad place. (I have a feeling that I've told you this story before, about a year ago... :-)

[Carole]

You know I understand.

[--Deb]

I spent the day with my Mother (not surprising, since we live in the same house), but she was in a funk for most of the day because she missed HER mother. Not one of the more successful Mother's Days, though I tried! But that's the problem with "Hallmark" holidays--they raise expectations to a pitch that simply can't reasonably be met.

Did you know that the woman who thought up Mother's Day in the first place was adamant about it NOT being commercial?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mother's_Day

[margene]

Never having had children I can only guess at the sorrow of now seeing them on Mother's Day. Holidays like this and Valentine's Day do set one up for sadness.
Distractions are a good way to get your head out of the crap. Good work.

[Leah]

It's funny how our thoughts, as mothers, seem to run the same way. I was reflecting yesterday myself how you don't get a day off in motherhood. You don't retire. You don't clock out. No matter how old your kids get, they are still your kids. And the worry, anxiety, love and joy of them being your kids never goes away.

No put as eloquently as you, Teyani dear, but I
KNOW EXACTLY how you feel!

{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}

[Kathy]

Hugs to you.

[Fiberjoy]

Thank you for letting us bit into your honest heart and thoughts, Teyani.
I was on the same page as you yesterday. Sitting here doing a bit of hairpin lace willing myself not to have a party. A pity-party that is. Sure, wonderful daughter took me out Saturday for a morning of shopping and lunch; Son called as he headed home to sleep after working graveyard. Just me and the man all day. And as the man says, " You're not my mom." (Okay, I know that sounds callous, but you know him: gruff in some ways, heart-breaking tender in others.) Days like yesterday I sorely miss my mother. The salt on the wound is that she died on Mother's Day 12 years ago.

Hugs

[Ruinwen]

*hugs* I spent the weekend with my Mother who is slowly losing it and mourned the loss of the person I knew. I spent the weekend cleaning her house so we can put it on the market and missed my son terribly. There was no time for breakfast in bed or any of those "Mom" things this year. And I guess it got me a bit down too.

[Hillary]

*hugs* I hear you. My daughters are still young and at home but one day it's likely that they'll spread their wings and demonstrate for me just how big the country is. As it is, I have no family living near us anymore and on holidays I envy those who have big family gatherings a little bit. We usually fill in with good friends but it's not quite the same. I wish you the best.

[jessie]

I absolutely understand where you are coming from. I am also an upbeat person and I certainly do craft my blog to show the positive sides of my life. This is as much to entertain readers as it is to remind myself that these moments are important.

However, I don't see anything wrong with sharing the other stuff when you need to. We can all relate to the down days and the private, occasional sorrows.
I hope you are feeling better today.

[Laurie]

Setup it is. This day is no different from any other, therefore, there is no cogent reason why the family should congregate on this day. Your kids love you. You love your kids. You see each other when you can. This preordained stuff is arbitrary.

Come over for a cuppa tea. We can prowl the garden, pull a few wayward weeds, and have a hug.

[anne]

i had some interesting conversations with the mothers in my classes monday (all of them are except me). i always feel weirdly out of place on mother's day even when i'm completely alone. it feels a lot better to be visiting moms that day than to be home alone.

but i had to laugh, hearing about mother's day from the mom's side on monday morning . . how "over it" they are, now that they are retired from active duty (most of them are 55-65 years), and mostly serving reserve or on-call duty as moms! it made me feel a lot better!

[Lorette]

I'm not much for the hallmark holidays myself. Mother's Day always gives me a bit of a twinge, since I made the decision long ago to not have children. That's still an OK decision, although at times I have those "what-if" thoughts. That, and the fact that my own mom's been gone for several years, makes it sort of a weird holiday. It did help that I got a very amusing card from all the pets in my house.
:-)

Drive on up here, I'll put the teakettle on.

[Lynne]

We have a tendancy to hide behind our smiles, don't we? And our fiber? I'm just saying I can relate, and there have been many holidays and Mother's Days over the years, with the difficulties of divorce, that I had to put a smile on my face to the world when I was agonizing inside. We can get pretty good at it. So, go ahead and reveal. We'll love you even more for it!

[Chris]

*hug*